Marriage, some connotations and realities in Hong Kong

In the past few weeks, there have been a few articles in The New York Times and The Atlantic that have floated into my Twitter feed about marriage. There is a nice round-up of links here in The Atlantic. They talk about how single motherhood is "the new normal", a preferred choice, how it might be an indication of class divide, and how men's roles are changing within the family (fathers heading up PTAs for example).

It seems strangely appropriate that I've come across these articles today as my dear cousin has just announced his engagement (I knew via Facebook before I was told by his parents, how 2012), and the past Chinese New Year, I've been asked about a hundred times when it's my "turn to give out red packets". (Traditionally, only married people give out red packets, the singletons - supposedly children - are always on the receiving end. Although, when you get to "a certain age" and are still single, you are gradually expected to give out red packets).


Connotations

I bring this up to highlight some contrasts between the western view of marriage and the Chinese one (at least, the version of the Chinese one I was brought up with), because frankly in Hong Kong, we're not even ready for articles like those. Of course, these are gross generalisations, but I think they are common enough, at least anecdotally, that I can actually draw distinct lines. It's sad.

Over 40 and unmarried
Western: I don't think anyone cares.
Chinese: "Poor woman/man". It's worse if you're a woman.

House-husbands
Western: Progressive, but if people disagree they will generally not say it to your face.
Chinese: "Is he challenged in some way?" "What a useless man"

De Facto/Common-law marriages, or unmarried partners living together
Western: A recognised legal status for many things in Australia, give you rights like next of kin and a factor in means tests etc. On a societal level, unmarried partners living together is totally okay.
Chinese: In Hong Kong, there is no such thing on any official level, and to the wider society it means you are A) about to get married, B) a foreigner or C) think like a foreigner.

Children outside of wedlock (not with a extra-marital partner)
Western: Generally not an issue for those in long-term relationships.
Chinese: The mother will generally be called "Mrs. [Husband's surname]" by default, by anyone from hospital staff to schoolteachers.

Single mother by choice
Western: Precisely that, by choice.
Chinese: "Of course" it's not by choice, something "must have happened", e.g. unplanned and the biological father can't be found/won't own up/doesn't have a job/is married to someone else blah blah blah.

Realities

If you ask me, I think change must be brought about in Hong Kong, and the government and the law should at least facilitate this.

Just look at the issue of paternity leave. In this public response by the Secretary for Labour and Welfare, Mr Matthew Cheung, the complications quoted in issuing paternity leave include "should a male employee be entitled to paternity leave in cases of childbirth outside marriage, childbirth not given by his legal spouse" - they all relate to what constitutes a "family" according to the law.

The letter is a typical example of bureaucratic talk, saying they "will continue to act as a facilitator, partnering with the business community and non-governmental organisations in promoting 'family-friendly employment practices'" - we won't know what that means till something is proposed, and really, their hands are tied until the definition of things like "legal spouse" change in marriage laws.